Assorted Berks and Fantasists from Chichester

As you can undoubtedly imagine, anywhere as pretentious as Chichester will have more than its fair share of imbeciles who live in a fantasy world, and pompous idiots who possess a utterly unjustified superiority complex. This page is dedicated to them!

There is the guy who lives there, who has zero personality, zero humour, and who has contributed NOTHING to the betterment of humanity. He is known jocularly as Arsehole. Never had a proper job in his life, he nonetheless seems to have plenty of money and this is rumoured to have originated from the slave trade.  As you might guess, a very nice man indeed. However, this decidedly tainted background does not prevent social climbers from flocking around him and sucking up to him in an effort to get invited to one of his tawdry 'parties' where the People Who Matter all congregate (at least, they think they are significant; everyone else thinks they are a load of  prats). Entertainment is provided in the form of blues played at ear-rending volume right through the night, and impromptu sideshows occur when the guests start fighting and the snobbish women drop all pretence at 'refainment' and get down into a good old catfight. Suffice to say that decent people are not welcome at these shindigs, and indeed would worry if they were ever to be invited, in case they had fallen among all the guttersnipes, rogues and misanthropes who regularly attend.

We then come to the particularly absurd case of the family who live in one of the villages in the Chichester area, in a council house, who between them have a combined IQ of about 30, and who have been the source of many problems including intimidation, harrassment of neighbours, violence and malicious gossip.  They claim, incredibly, to be descended from Spanish noblemen and to have loads of money. But don't mention the 1990 hurricane, or Unigate... both are a very sore point...

Now we come to the miserable old whinger who has been retired for 30 years from the Health Service because of malingeritis, and who holds the foullest views possible, which include exterminating mentally handicapped people, and the view that black and white people should not form relationships because 'cats and dogs don't do it so whites and blacks shouldn't be together'. He's a miser too, refusing to put money in charity boxes because he says that the charities are too rich anyway... and he says that nobody who was born more than five miles away should live in the area. He spends his evenings boring people to death in a local pub, and incredibly made some friends and admirers out of Chichester people who admired his offensiveness... such is the Chichester mentality... until he got himself into too much hot water by insulting and abusing other locals who disagreed with him. He now runs a mile when he sees certain individuals he has abused and shafted in the past for fear he's going to get his head kicked in, and certain places are strictly out of bounds...